| Insert a thick
description of a climactic moment in an effort to create mood or "dominant
impression." Avoid all abstractions.
Avoid weak verbs.
In-class: Partner up with a fellow
student and do a practice run at thick description using a
graphics archive which
the teacher will
point you to. This should be done before writing a thick description into
your funny/dangerous narrative.
Here is the description of the most significant
moment in my narrative.
| As soon as my head broke the surface, I inhaled in a
gasping panic, and suddenly I could see everything in sharp colors and
sounds -- [[A list>>>red
and black cliffs, stark, blue sky, and the flush of spring green on the bluffs
rolled past me. Dark gray thunderheads etched with white undertones
[[attention to strong verbs>>>loomed
down the canyon to the west. Above me buzzards, barely pinpoints against
the blue, [[strong verbs>>>lolled on the updrafts, and swallows living in the cliff face swept
over me in low arcs across the rapids, all ignoring my
[[Instead of "I thrashed, I use the verb form "thrashing" as an
adjective>>>thrashing rolls. On
the opposite bank from which I had been swept, jays and mocking birds
[[a little bit of a made up verb>>chittered
and darted through the brush, the cane bent low in a hissing moan, and the
rapids themselves gurgled past the bank, over and around the rocks in brown
bubbling foam, deflected right toward me and the cliff face toward which I had
been helplessly swept. The rock against which clung for the moment felt gritty
under my fingers. I lay over its brownish red hump my fingers clinging,
even using my face as a lever and wedge to hold me on for the moment. I
smelled its flinty cracks like wasted matches. Water boiled around its
rounded mass barely breaking the surface, and the river's fingers pulled at my
clothes and my heavily sodden shoes and dragged me from the boulder. I saw
everything; nothing saw me. |
Note that I am using lists,
thinking about verbs, and picking and choosing my details in an effort
to create an overall mood or "dominant impression."
To see it inserted into
my narrative click
here. I'm going a little overboard here, so I revised the paragraph
down a little in the next version.
|